"If you determine that you can afford $40,000 in your quest for a child, you might decide to budget $20,000 for one cycle of IVF (in vitro fertilization) and the remaining $20,000 for adoption. Or you may elect to try two or three IVF cycles. Whatever you decide, it’s imperative to be emotionally prepared to walk away from treatment when you’ve reached your financial limits."

"A few months ago, I ran into a woman who had attended that workshop while she and her husband were in the adoption process. She asked me how our sons’ birth parents were doing, calling them each by name. My mouth dropped open."

Honoring Natural Moms on Mother's Day.

Mother’s Day is for honoring mothers - grandmothers, step-mothers, working mothers, stay-at-home mothers. I have heard in some churches women who have had abortions have been remembered as the mother of their unborn child on Mother’s Day. But there are some mothers who have been forgotten - these are the mothers who have been used like livestock and had their babies harvested from them to be used for adoption. In the 1950’s, 60’s and early 70’s millions of white single mothers were punished for having a baby. Many were denied any information about childbirth. When they went into labor they were left alone with no support and no pain relief. But the worst punishment was losing their child. Some were not even told whether they had a son or daughter.

The Mother-and-Child relationship is like no other. A baby bonds with her mother in the womb. A baby looks to her mother for security and no other caregiver - not even the baby’s father - can replace her. Many hospitals now recognize the importance of keeping newborns with their mothers, rather than separating them. Experts emphasize the benefits to a baby that come from nursing and her own mother’s milk, designed for her.

Yet with all that is known about the importance of a baby’s mother to her well-being, some vulnerable and naïve mothers are still being led to believe that their infant sons and daughters will be better off with someone else. Even a dog breeder knows better than to separate puppies from their mother before they are sufficiently mature.

This Mother’s Day, help and honor teenage moms and single moms who are taking responsibility for their children. Acknowledge natural mothers as mothers, not "birth objects" meant to be used as the source of a baby for adoption.

Faux Finishes - Faux Families and Adoption

(My humblest apologies to natural families with the surname of “faux”.)

Faux sis, faux bro. What are they? Faux finishes make concrete appear to be the most beautiful stone or make pine wood appear to be marble.  Similarly, faux relatives may appear to be related family members but are not the real thing: they are Faux family. Speaking up about the subject of adoption is probably a Faux Pas - and so is the male adopter: Faux Pa. And of course there is Faux Ma.

What! I’ve deviated from “respectful” adoption language. I’ve been disrespectful of the “real” family. We have something called “freedom of speech” here in America, you know. The euphemisms and untruths of “adoption” and “positive adoption language” affects a persons freedom of thought like a sort of mental rape. If my grandmother died, I’ll say she DIED; If people are related only though payment for “adoption services” - services which are designed to get them a baby to adopt - I’ll say they’re NOT RELATED. And no piece of paper, no birth certificate (fraudulently amended for adoption), can change that fact.

Some adopted people have faux family - and they may joke about it but they still love their fauxs. But perhaps the saddest situation in adoption I’ve ever heard is this: an adopted person saying they feel like they have no real family. Their mother - pressured or forced by society to surrender her beloved newborn at birth - became so emotional about the reunion she won’t call any more. Their father is distant. The adopters are - well, they’re OK, but they just aren’t the right people, aren’t family. When they adopted, the male adopter sort of went along with the female adopter, saying something equivalent to: “Well, I guess it’s OK dear if you get a puppy - as long as I can go fishing or golfing with my buddies for a week every summer.” The sterile female adopter really wanted her own baby - and is still trying to have one at age 50.

An adoptee may think to herself: “It must be wonderful to know you belong, to really fit in.” Maybe nobody really fits in, she thinks to herself. Then one day she become pregnant. Suddenly the miracle of life means something. Did her mom really go through this - and STILL "give" her up? Did her mother pass on bad genes and will this new baby be defective? It’s scary. The adopted person may have fears that she will be a “bad parent” too and should get an abortion or give her baby away. That fear is irrational - it can’t be right. But what is right? It’s so confusing. What is a non-Faux relative? Will the adopted person get along with her baby or only be jealous, thinking how her daughter gets her real mom, not a substitute like she got? The adopted person got a faux family crest and history, faux genealogy, a faux family tree - and her daughter - or son - will inherit these “fauxs”.

Some days an adopted persons feeling are faux feelings, too - adoptees are “faux masters”. “We’re great on stage - adoptees can play any role” an adoptee friend tells me. I stare incredulously as the other adopted woman in the room nods enthusiastically.

Millions of adoptable babies were harvested from their white mothers in the 1950’s, 1960’s and 1970’s. Adoption agencies and adoption attorneys still managed to get more babies after that - although not as many. And now, the United States government is funding programs designed to get more healthy babies harvested from naïve moms so they can create more faux families. “Built” families they are called. Families built on the suffering of other families who are forced, pressured or tricked into surrendering their babies for adoption.

Creating faux families is an opportunity to shift children from single parent homes and clans (which are derogatorily referred to as “unstable”) to unrelated sterile married people. Gays can adopt now, too - anyone “merits” the word “family”, assuming they can afford to pay for a child - euphamistically known as "adoption".

So to get more babies, we now have Infant Adoption Awareness Training and a domestic adoption baby boom. We have Open Adoption and it’s associated lies.

Exploitation of single mothers is fun - why shouldn’t everyone call single moms “unwed”, “birthmoms” and then take their babies for adoption? Some adoption agencies and baby buyers (adopters) actually refer to the sacrificial objects as “our birthmothers”, as if they own them.

Some moms call themselves “lifemothers”. Hmm. Well - it is true that these moms did get a “life sentence” without their child. But why not just use the honest respectful term “moms” or “mothers”? “Lifemother” is just another word for breeder - a woman who is meant to be used as the source of a baby for the fauxs (foes) of the natural family.

(Note: it is not just infant adoption that is a problem in United States.  Adoption from foster care is also an issue.  Are families which are less affluent being torn apart to get young "adoptable" kids for adults to use "as if" they were their own?  Read how the Adoption and Safe Families Act and Adoption Bonuses Tear Families Apart.)

Stories of "Successful" Adoption?

Occasionally there are people on the internet, looking for "birthmother stories" , "birthmom stories", "true birthmom stories", "successful birthmom stories" or even "successful adoption stories".

What does this word "successful" mean and what does "successful adoption" imply?

Domestic adoption is the business of finding healthy babies for people. An adoption is considered "successful" if the mother and father do not come to their senses in time to figure out how to keep their own son or daughter. An adoption is "successful" if the adopted person maintains allegiance to the adopters and does not seek out his mother.

An adoption is "successful" if the "birthmom birth object" can be brainwashed into naively repeating "it was my choice" despite the fact that she had no real information about her options, about the consequences of adoption or about the consequences of open adoption. When she had no information upon which to base an informed consent the adoption was not even legal. An adoption is considered successful when the mother says naively "adoption is better than abortion" never questioning why she has only these adoption vs. abortion "options".

An adoption is "successful" if the adopted person says the adopters are the only "family" he has ever known. Adoptees rarely comprehend that  adoptive people purchase (or take advantage of) "services" designed to get healthy babies away from their mothers. "Divide and conquer" is one strategy adoption businesses use, pitting mothers against fathers and grandparents against parents. Moms and families considering adoption for their baby are led to believe that adoption will be "no different" from the standpoint of the child than if they raised their son or daughter themselves. It would be nice if that were true. Unfortunately an adopted person does feel "the difference" whether they are lied to or even if they are told the truth about having been adopted.

Sadly, few adoptees were true orphans that had no family desiring or fit to care for them. Instead, most adoptees were artificially orphaned by society, to punish moms for having babies and to get babies for adoption. Public policy on adoption has little regard for the effect on the person adopted as a baby.

The use of "positive adoption language" which is promoted by the adoption industry has made a realistic discussion of adoption almost impossible. But once people understand that rather than being individual "units", we as human beings are creatures whose identity and psychology are based in our true family, then a real discussion of the merits of adoption and alternative "permanency" solutions may take place.

Infertile adopters really want their "own" child. Language is a powerful tool, making people believe that one can make someone else's child "theirs" by obtaining a falsified birth certificate. Not only do agencies profit from this misperception, but most Americans seem to agree with adopters that after all they've paid for "adoption services" and all their donations to adoption agencies, they deserve a baby.

Adoption is considered "successful" when all of society can be made to believe that the adoptive buyers deserve the title "parent" if not "saint".

To say motherhood is undervalued in America is putting it mildly. When motherhood is de-valued, both women and children - the future of our society - are affected. The Mother-and-Child relationship is like no other. A baby bonds with her mother in the womb. A baby looks to her mother for security and no other caregiver - not even the baby’s father - can replace her. Many hospitals now recognize the importance of keeping newborns with their mothers, rather than separating them. Experts emphasize the benefits to a baby that come from nursing and her own mother’s milk, designed for her.

Yet with all that is known about the importance of a baby’s mother to her well-being, some vulnerable and naïve mothers are still being led to believe that their infant sons and daughters will be better off adopted by someone else. Even a dog breeder knows better than to separate puppies from their mother before they are sufficiently mature.

In the 1950’s, 60’s and early 70’s millions of white single mothers were punished for having babies and exploited as a source of babies for adoption. Interred in maternity homes, many were denied any information about childbirth. When they went into labor they were left alone with no support and no pain relief. But the worst punishment was losing their child. Some were not even told whether they had a son or daughter.

Some people in power would like to repeat this exploitation and make more babies available for adoption.   Adoption is not an heroic 'choice' - the 'choice' is made by those in power.    Maternity homes are being promoted by President Bush. In the news, adoption agencies and attorneys openly brag of how they use “open adoption” to manipulate mothers into surrendering their babies. People who adopt and adoption industry lobbyists clamor for benefits for adopters. Adopters get benefits from the government, the workplace and even get reduced airline tickets. Meanwhile mothers who could benefit from some temporary assistance are being made to feel unworthy.  The only "benefit" that moms seem to get is a place to "safely" abandon their babies.

It cannot be assumed that just because a woman is married, that her husband will be there or do his part in supporting or raising children. It's ironic that many married women actually find themselves with the same workload that a single mother might have. Where marriage is concerned, some woman might be better off living in some other communal situation, with their clan or with other moms. "Two can live as cheap as one" does not apply just to a married situation. Of course, the clan arrangement or communal situation is cheaper and less goods might be consumed - perhaps an important reason why communal situations are rarely depicted in the media.

Even without clan or a communal situation, many single mothers - and single fathers - raise their children. A pregnant woman who has some self-esteem might seek these single parents out and learn some tips from them. A single mother is not a failure as a mother nor is she to be viewed as a "not-mother" or "birth object" destined to be exploited as the source of a baby for adoption. A single mother is her child's mother. Stereotypes threaten motherhood and lower the status of women in society. The status of women in a society may be partially determined by the number of women who have their babies adopted-out.

It would be nice if the so-called "adoption option" was a true choice.

One woman who has now been reunited with her adopted-out son Roger for many years recalled: "When I was about to meet Roger's adopters for the first time (ten years after reunion) Roger said that his "dad" would probably start with how much Roger had cost them. I said "Fine when he does I'll get my check book out and I'll say 'OK how much?' then I'll say "How much do you want to pay ME for his first smile, for seeing him take his first steps and his first words?' Roger laughed and said 'Better just keep to the weather.' and I said 'Yeah, better just say, What about those Cubs?"

While the rest of the United States calls natural mothers by the dehumanizing "birthmom" and "biological" words, moms are starting to define themselves on their own terms. Using words like "mom", "mother" or "natural mother" that respect their motherhood is one thing - but why not go a bit further? Adoptees at Bastard Nation have reclaimed their status as bastards. Why shouldn't moms acknowledge they've been called some pretty mean things as well? Acknowledge that you are merely a Wrong Tummy, mom! And because you were deemed a Wrong Tummy, social workers were obliged to do something fast and correct the situation. They "convinced" you that your beloved child must go to live with someone with a Barren Tummy.

Now we have what is called an adoption triangle, with the Wrong Tummy, the Barren Tummy and the Bastard. The Wrong Tummy, Barren Tummy and Bastard all might work out their differences some day - meanwhile the opposing sides of this triangle are battling it out! The Bastard and the Wrong Tummy, both of whom feel a bit wronged, somehow are supposed to be grateful to the Barren Tummy. Barren Tummies are also suffering - why did they wait until age 30 to try to reproduce? Still, Barren Tummies are considered inherently good, like angels or even gods. Wait, no, it's the social workers who are the real gods! Where do the social workers come in? Where do they fit in this triangle? Ooops! Maybe, just maybe, this isn't a triangle at all. Without the "help" of social workers telling the Barren Tummies that they are Real Moms, and telling the Wrong Tummies that they must surrender or else, there would be no Bastards trying to gain some knowledge of their identities and heritage.

Where Humor is Concerned, consider the following suggestions for posters for an adoption agency:

"Breeders Wanted"

"Be an all-American girl: Spread your legs! Donate your eggs!"

"Uncle Sam wants your unborn descendants."

Babies are a gift from God - moms, your babies were no exception. But God chose to put the babies in the Wrong Tummies.  And that's where the government and the social workers come in - fixing God's mistakes.